Thursday, July 31, 2008

....

last week went back to batupahat...

this is the first time i had the feeling of dont want to come back to KL at all.

just wanna stay at batu pahat...

3 days at batupahat seems to pass so fast...

why?

why cant it be longer...

even thought everyday argue fighting with brother and sister...

but it is a fun i can never had it here...

life at batu pahat is not much different from here...
eat sleep watch show....
but at least im able to have fun with my parents and bro and sis...

2days at KL = 1day at batupahat....

Monday, July 28, 2008

Picture of convocation

here's the pictures of my graduation~

mwah~

me and mum

me and my family....

me and charlotte =)

me and sufei aka tupai!

shooney mamat me and alvin

me and sotong

me and mamat..
only malay in my course...

sotong jiaojiao me and sk

me yenni sotong jiao

me and maykim!

jiao me sotong

jiao charlotte sotong

Thursday, July 24, 2008

my problemo?

is it my problem?

makes you all think that im avoiding you?

i dont know

all i know is that whenever i talk you all also like not taking notice or just perfunctory me..

from time to time i learn to shut up...

'cuz i do not like that feeling..

is not that im avoiding you...

is i dont know what to talk about to attract your attention...

you all got your own stuff to do and im always like the carefree nothing to do person...

sorry guys for everything...

Monday, July 21, 2008

empty

im so tired physically and mentally...

i really hope that i just can sleep all day long

im just like an ostrich
hide myself away from everything

finals is drawing near....
got at 12paper to take....
ive no idea how am i going to take it

im so stressed out..

staying here there's nothing but emptiness and loneliness with me
although there's 11 people in these house

5 is my roomie which sometimes they do their stuff and i'll be a loner
the other 6 sometimes only 2 of them will talk to me.

i feel so alone even there's so many people staying here.

im not fine not fine at all.

waking up silently... go to college silently... in class listening silently...
at home... in the living room doing work silently...

not but silent...

eventhough there's sometimes im in good mood.. but it never last long... only for few hours


my life now is not how i want it to be....
its totally the opposite... worst than the opposite...

Monday, July 14, 2008

Finished? UnFinished?

last night was too worried that i might not able to wake up on time for the graduation..
cuz ive to wake up very early since that there's 4 people for one toilet each have to take turn..
so im the 1st one to wake up and ive to wake up at 5.30am!

anyway, get ready and off we go to college.

then we start to assemble and start wearing the gown.
damned that gown for being so thick and heavy!
we have to pin the hood onto the thick gown...
so i start pining for my roommie..
then slowly other classmate ask me to help to pin since they cant do it...
pin and pin and pin

and...

when we have to go into there's no one to help me to pin it! 0.O
ended up ask a friend to help..
and wear the mortarboard and everything...

here is how i look! hahaha


then the ceremony start.. damned it was boring.. we sit there and play and talk and take photo... haha....
gown really look like a pregnant dress.. haha...
my friend act like she is going to give birth while we are in the hall waiting...
very funny!

anyway, after the ceremony...
we took the scroll (which is empty) cert have to wait~ -.-"

so after we come out then we start to take photo!!

[ sotong, yenni, cengceng, jiao and me ]

me and sotong

the four of us...

me and shooney aka 阮经天 (lol)

this is 阮经天.... look alike right? hahaha.....
i actually grad with a celebrity!


me and muhammad

was surprise that maykim called me and ask me where am i...
so happy that she came.. =)
then sufei.... haha... so happy can see her too.. =)


[sotong, jiao sue and me]


these are my flower =)
4 of them...
[big sunflower from charlotte, small sunflower from sue, big white teddy from dad and mum and brown teddy from maykim]

so glad that my parents came.. even they know they that they will be here for just few hours they also willing to travel for so long to reach here
even stuck at sungeibesi for nothing cuz the police don't know doing what)

until now..
i only realised that how good is to have family around
they are always there no matter what happen. they are willing to sacrifies their time, money and energy to come and support you.
ive no idea how am i going to survive without them.


ps: wearing that gown under the big sunny day is not a joke man!!!! fuck that gown for being so damned thick and heavy!
ppss: anyway... i had fun!


PPPSSS: More photo will be uploaded... haha most of the picture is not with me =)


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, July 12, 2008

emo emo emo

its a cold night right now. sitting near the balcony with the cold wind blowing in.
coldness of the wind piercing through my skins. so cold.
its the same feeling that my roomie is giving me. so cold. they laugh they play they talk.
as for me, alone in the living room with nothing but my laptop and my phone.
no matter in college, in class, or wherever im always alone. even they are with me sitting together, but their topic was never around me. really doesnt feel any sense of belonging. where do i belong? no where? or just here? at my table with my laptop?

talk to mum last week, asking her whether are they coming for my convocation. then she ask about my roommie is it still staying 5 people. thats when my tears start rolling. she asked why are you crying. told her feel alone. living with so many friends still feel alone, feel like an outcastor. she ask me to move.. since you are feeling like this...

after hanged up not more than 5 mins, a friend called, heard my voice sound so different and asked whether is it about them? as she already knews, ive told her most of my feeling. and we talk and talk.. and she also asked me to move..

then less than 5 mins again after we hanged up my dad called. saw the phone display "Dad" i cant stop my tears again, i cried again. my dad asked to move. he even says he will come up here to help me move if it is necessary. he also said that the rental is not a problem. just stay somewhere you are happy and easy to study. i was speechless spoken nothing but my tears and sobs. he said "Silly girl, dont cry ok? just move out if u cant stand it anymore." thats when ive decided i want to move.

i really cant stand the life like this. dont feel any belonging at all. everyday is the same routine. i think i will turn into a mute if i dont move. everyday do not speak more than 20 sentences of words. just being quiet and sit here and read and watch and do nothing..


having test and assignment next week and now ive no mood to study no mood to do assignment.im so depressed.
in less than 12 hours is my convocations and ive to be there at 7am. means ive to wake up at around 5.30am+

damned it.. Fuck it..

feel so alone, feel like a outcastor,
crying is the only way to vent my loneliness....

being a cry baby lately
being a mute lately
being a loner lately


" There's always a sunny day, after the storm. Just bear with the storm, even though it is strong and deadly. Don't give up! The sun is always there, just that it is being hidden by the storm. Wait for the sunny day to come! "

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Stressed ≠ Desserts

wtf
studying in advance is not a game man.
is not like what I've go through during diploma.

everyday is being buried by all my assignments.
assignments
assignments

assignments


everyday do nothing but assignment.
even want to find one day to out go and hang also damned hard.
seriously i can die in this pile of assignments.


after assignment,
mid-terms test...


after mid-terms test
assignment some more...


after that final exam.


then finally can rest...


and that rest time of mine is still so far away from me..

which is in September.


damned man..




nowadays don't feel any belonging here.
not at all.
zero
empty
null

felt like I'm just a visitor here.
so like an outcast

loneliness surround me
nothing else.


Friends?
*sighh*

I've no idea what is friends anymore.
I really don't know anymore.


- alone + stressed -